I get a call at work from an employee that’s due within the hour. I hang up the phone frustrated. I start developing a headache. I dial through my list of options. Interestingly, not a single answer. I leave messages. I wait. No call backs.
Relatives of my staff tend to die towards the end of summer, statistically it seems to occur most often on Friday, and without question, the relatives lived far enough away that the entire weekend is needed off from work. I have never attempted to verify the claims although I seriously considered it tonight.*
To occupy the six hours of my inherited life guarding duties I count the number of patrons who swim in the pool.** In addition to this I also count the number of towels used throughout the evening. According to my observations and assuming I did not miss or add an entry, or miscount a single towel, there were a total of 60 swimmers (59 until seven‘til close) and 300 towels used.***
This means that five towels are used per person on average. The towels come in three sizes each capable of holding roughly 12, 16, or 22 oz of water, respectively. After rounding down, the towel average maximum water absorption volume (AMWAV) is roughly 16 ounces.****
Calculating the number of towels used by the AMWAV and dividing by 128 you get 37.5, or 37.5 gallons.***** This means that in order to fully utilize the towels they take, the average swimmer (4’8’’ and female) would have to carry roughly .63 gallons of water externally. At 6’1” and 180 pounds (roughly 2.8 times more volume than the average swimmer) I am not able to extract even a drop of water from the towel I use post-shower.
The observations lead me to conclude that there is a serious problem at the Carriage Club Country Club concerning irresponsible towel usage.
I predicted the outcome partway through my observations but was unable to address it given that my hands were tied because there may (or may not) have been a funeral. Thank God the night is over. I still have a headache.
*Consider might be a misnomer; it is more accurate to say I found humor in the absurdity that verification of this claim would lead to A) the possibility that the teenage employee was lying or B) he was not.+ I didn't like these options.
** The difficulties of tracking the number of times a swimmer entered, exited and then reentered would have not only been overwhelming but completely irresponsible for someone whose primary job function is maintaining relentless focus on those currently in the water.++
***Two-hundred and ninety-four towels were used and then I had stubbornly refused to make available more. When person number sixty entered the water I was motivated in a way that was a bit zealous and foreign to the whole member-towel-acquisition process but nonetheless caused six addition towels to enter circulation.+++
**** Why did I round down and not up? I guess relationally, I feel 16 is closer to me than 17.++++
*****Given that the sun is constanly removing moisture from a used towel by evaporation, and coupled with the occasional post-swim refusal to use one, I will assume they cancle each other out and not factor in multiple drying sessions.
+The probability that he is lying is greater both logically and rationally.# The chance that he is actually telling the truth and the subsequent awkwardness confirming it with mom or dad would bring, makes verification a non-option for me.
++ The overwhelmingness-ness was actually my primary reason for not counting reentries.
+++Purposefully tainted for the sake of easy calculations for the sake of quick analysis for the sake of what rest assured will be overgeneralized conclusions supporting my deep held belief that human beings are unconscious to their excessive tendencies and/or/both we just plain don’t give a shit.
++++i.e. my familiarity with the 16 oz plastic wide-mouth miller-lite excuse-to-consume-more-while-still-ably-maintaining(what sound like)-socially-responsabale-replies-to-The-unavoidable-question bottle.##
#The mysterious rise in out-of-state relative’s deaths happens to coincide with weekend nights and usually occurs when there is increased talk around the scuttlebucket of things like “the biggest game of the year” or “an awesome party at this dudes’ parents’ friends’ ranch lake house that the cops can’t get into because it’s like private property and there will be like 4 kegs and we’ll have a huge fire.”
##The unavoidable: "How many have you had?"
